U.2Final Draft, Inc. Final DraftxuFFFF000000060002000177AA000000000082000000002000110199000480048-24F1EC1200F1-11C1A1C1D1C1A1C1D1BDC064006471931EC13F7FFFF010602921000010000016400000005064C408404F1ED5553AF62B03CC0015491ED5552CD064C11DB408405551EDDE33AFB8603CE004DD71EDDE3225011DB181C40840DE31ED118D3A562403CC00511811ED118D2B10181C1E9840840118D1ED16893AF67303CC007167D1ED168922501E98292D4084016891ED1EC13AFA89038E0091EA92C51EC131900002000006520000000064C,WHY I LOVE MY DOCTOR By Lee Shackleford Limbo. A doctors exam table or something like it. THREE ACTORS enter and address the audience. ONE This play is called Why I love my doctor. TWO It is autobiographical in nature. That means everything you are about to see is true and actually happened. Three The playwright originally considered calling this piece Death to All Doctors. TWO Since that time, the playwright has received proper psychiatric care. One Proving that there are some good doctors in the world. ThREE However, the playwright is still of the opinion that these good doctors are few and far between. ONE sits on the table, TWO listens to his heart with a stethoscope. TWO All right, whats your problem? ONE My heartbeat is -- well, it skips, and I know that its normal for it skip sometimes but -- TWO Can you hold your damn horses for just one minute? ONE Uh -- TWO How the hell am I supposed to hear if youre talking? ONE Well, you asked me -- TWO Not NOW. When I get DONE. ONE Oh. TWO finishes. TWO Well? ONE Uh, my -- my heartbeat skips sometimes -- TWO Everybodys heartbeat SKIPS. ONE I mean in a way thats different from normal. TWO And how would that be exactly? ONE Uh ... look, if I said or did something to give offense, I didnt mean -- TWO Do you have any idea how much of my time every day is wasted with hypochondriacs? You college kids get free health care at the campus clinic, you figure you ought to come in here with every ache and pain. And the rest of time Im either pumping somebodys stomach out or doing the routine gyno so another slut can go on the pill! 000200000B950000064CB8F,ONE I think maybe I should just go. TWO Unless you think youre about to have a heart attack, yeah. ONE But if Im about to have a heart attack, I should make an appointment and come back. TWO ignores this, walking away as THREE approaches. ONE (CONTD) Doctor, I have this recurring pain in my lower abdomen. THREE What kinda pain? Sharp pain? Dull pain? ONE More of an ache than a stab. But its persistent. THREE Ya been screwing any mannequins? ONE I beg your pardon? THREE Had a patient once who got a mannequin from the department store, drilled a hole in its crotch and would screw it all the time. Came to me with the same story you got. ONE Thats your best theory? That I pulled a muscle while sticking my dick into a piece of plastic? THREE You got a girlfriend? ONE Not at the moment -- THREE Well, thats when guys start drilling the holes in the mannequins. ONE Maybe I need to see somebody else about this. THREE disappears and is replaced by TWO. TWO So what seems to be the trouble? ONE Ive been having a lot of nasal congestion, especially when theres a lot of pollen in the air. TWO What have you been taking for it? ONE Thats the probem. Another doctor gave me a prescription for something that would clear my head up immediately -- it was wonderful. But I cant remember what it was called. TWO And you want me to give you whatever he gave you. ONE Please. TWO Look, you cant just come in here with your hand out expecting me to dispense drugs on demand. You know two-thirds of the crime in this country is related to drugs? People steal to buy drugs, theyll kill each other over drug deals -- and they come to their doctors with their hands out expecting us to give you whatever YOU think you need! Well, thats not how it works. Im the one who went to medical school, not you. I decide what medicines you need. I. Me. TWO storms away as THREE approaches,wearing a surgical mask and rubber gloves. THREE Okay, lets have a look at you. ONE Come here straight from surgery? THREE Standard examination procedure. ONE Really? I just came for a hearing test. THREE That includes a physical examination of the ear, in the course of which I will have to touch you. ONE Okay... THREE Universal precautions. Were in the midst of an epidemic, yknow. Any measure to reduce the risk of contact with body fluids is a step well-taken. ONE Wow. I didnt know HIV could be transmitted through ear wax. THREE There is always the possibility that you might bleed in the course of the examination. ONE During a hearing test? THREE If you dont want the exam you dont have to have it. ONE I want my hearing checked. THREE The fact that were having this conversation seems to indicate your hearing is perfectly fine. ONE Well. Im glad you had your rubber gloves on for that. THREE leaves and is replace by two, who carries a small tray (with cotton and a scalpel) and talks into a miniature tape recorder. ONE (CONTD) Hi, doc! 000200000647000011DB641,TWO (ignoring him) Patient four-six-nine-three. Complaint concerns a minor epidermal cyst, but patient is unsure of details as the artifact is on the back of the patients neck where inspection is difficult. ONE That is true. Seeing the back of my own neck is difficult. TWO Recommended procedure is immediate removal. ONE Im just curious -- are you going to talk to me at all? With a weary sigh, TWO turns off the tape recorder. TWO You have no idea how much paperwork doctors have to do related to each and every visit of each and every patient. Dictating as I work allows me to see more patients. (back to the recorder) Patient four-six-nine-three presented himself today with the stated intent of having this artifact removed and I am carrying out that procedure at this time. TWO cuts a chunk out of the back of ONEs neck. ONE OW! WHAT THE HELL -- TWO The artifact should be labelled four-six-nine-three plus todays date and sent for analysis. Patient will return in thirty days to report on progress. And TWO walks right out. ONE addresses the audience. ONE Id like to remind you that the playwright is relaying an accurate account of true encounters with real doctors. THREE No exaggeration or fabrication is necessary. All of these events actually took place. Including this one. TWO strides on, frowning at a clipboard. TWO Im afraid I have some rather bad news. THREE Weve reviewed the data carefully and feel there is only one explanation for the symptoms your son is exhibiting. TWO He appears to be in total liver failure. If it continues at this rate it could be fatal. 0002000006820000181C67C,ONE Wh -- what? That cant be right ... THREE His ketone levels are so elevated, theres really no other diagnosis. For someone his age -- how old is he? ONE Ten. Hes only ten years old. TWO Sudden organ failure of this kind is unusual in someone his age but its not unheard-of. TWO hurries off. THREE We want to admit him to the hospital right away, obviously, and continue the blood testing. But unless we come upon something entirely unexpected, we need to get him immediately placed on a transplant list. ONE Transplant! tHREE And we should be up-front about the fact that liver transplants at his age have a very low success rate. ONE Are you telling me he could die from this? ThREE Were saying you should be prepared for the worst. Now, you will probably want to talk to your regular family doctor -- ONE My wife just went out to call him. tHREE Thats what I mean. (producing cell phone and handing it over) He said hed call you back. He, uh, doesnt agree with our diagnosis. ONE I bet he doesnt. three Tonights blood work will determine just how serious your sons condition really is. THREE hurries off. ONE is all alone. One God in Heaven ... Im begging you ... hes just a little boy... The cell phone rings. At the same moment, TWO enters -- for the first time wearing a white lab coat. ONE grabs the phone and answers it. ONE (CONTD) Hey! Yes! Im here! Speak to me! TWO (gently mocking) Dont get your panties in a twist. Your sons going to be okay. ONE But -- but the doctors here -- TWO -- are a pair of inexperienced bozos who will always give you the worst possible outcome because that way their asses stay covered. 000200000A9B00001E98A95,ONE But ... but how can you be sure? TWO is slowly walking toward ONE; eventually this will stop being a phone call and become a face-to-face conversation. TWO Your wife described your sons symptoms. Ive seen this before. I promise you -- hes got some kind of minor blockage like a stone. Itll pass and hell be back to normal in no time. ONE Youre just telling me what I want to hear. TWO Hey, Im not gonna tell you hes fine when hes really in organ failure! I dont like to lose patients -- its bad for business. So how are you doing? ONE Me? Im ... well, Im feeling better now ... TWO I mean in general. Anything new we need to talk about? ONE No. My sons the one who -- TWO Your son is gonna be fine if he gets the care he needs and whos gonna do that? ONE Well, his mother and I will -- TWO So I gotta know how youre doing -- so cut the crap and answer the question. ONE Im -- Im fine. My wife is fine, Im fine, and my sons going to be fine. TWO There you go. Another day in paradise. ONE Doc, they told us he was going to DIE. TWO I know. Rookie bastards. But, speaking of death, I gotta get out of here. Gotta go to a funeral and I hate going to funerals. ONE I bet you do. Anybody who fights the daily battle against disease and death -- TWO Well, yeah, but this time its personal. You know my dads been very sick for a long time. ONE Oh. Im sorry. They sit together, whispering somberly now, as at a funeral. TWO We did everything we could for him. Now Im just glad hes not suffering. ONE Still. He was your dad. TWO Yeah. Yeah, he was. ONE quietly slips away -- and is immediately met by a very upset THREE. THREE Somebody get help -- please -- ONE Shh! What is it? Whats wrong? THREE My father -- I think hes had a stroke or something -- ONE Well, lets get outside and -- THREE No! Call for a doctor now! There must be a -- wait, isnt he a doctor? ONE For Gods sake, hes at his own fathers funeral -- TwO (hurrying over) Whats the matter? Is somebody hurt or -- THREE My dad -- I think its a stroke -- TWO Where is he? THREE Hes in the next room -- please -- And just like that, TWO is gone. ONE (to the audience) Ill say it one more time. The playwright is not making any of this up. This is what happened. THREE Im sorry to disturb the man at such a time. But ... ONE Nothing wrong with trying to take care of your dad. THREE Look at how that doctor treats him. Youd think that was his own father. (a beat, then) I had no idea. ONE Of what? THREE Oh, just ... that there are doctors who -- I dunno, think of other people as ... well, as if they mattered. ONE and THREE watch the offstage proceedings in silent awe. 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ONE is all alone. Fade out.\sTCE` (V.O.) (O.S.) (O.C.) (SUBTITLE)]sTTR CUT TO: FADE IN: FADE OUT. FADE TO: DISSOLVE TO: BACK TO: MATCH CUT TO: JUMP CUT TO:FADE TO BLACK.^9sTSI=INTEXTI/E(WHY I LOVE MY DOCTOR_ sTST DAY NIGHT AFTERNOON MORNING EVENING LATER MOMENTS LATER CONTINUOUS THE NEXT DAYqmCRO9INTINT. Scene Heading01119EXTEXT. Scene Heading01128I/EI/E Scene Heading0113@DAY - DAY Scene HeadingAction0114DNIGHT - NIGHT Scene HeadingAction0115HSUNRISE - SUNRISE Scene HeadingAction0116DMAGIC - MAGIC Scene HeadingAction0117GCONT continuing ParentheticalDialogue0118JINTER interrupting ParentheticalDialogue0119$0110GCUTTOCUT TO: Transition Scene Heading1111EFADEINFADE IN:Action Scene Heading1112KFADEOUT FADE OUT. 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Important!# Information?" Suggestion*?Courier Final Draft (MORE)(CONT'D) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED:aCTR =Man 1(`Q|g({DESTۉ}P=Man 2(`]DVۉ}P?Woman 1(pQ|g({DESTۉ}P?Woman 2(ԑPO|u`ۉ}P=Boy 1(`Q|g({DESTۉ}P=Boy 2(ԑPO|u`ۉ}P>Girl 1(pQ|g({DESTۉ}P>Girl 2(ԑPO|u`ۉ}P?Old Man(`]DVۉ}PA Old Woman(pQ|g({DESTۉ}PeE9 CHARACTERDIALOGUEk1Arial W?Courier Final Draft 6 Cast List.  - 0PAGEFFFF000000060002000177AA0000000000660000000020001101-7E7C6F000480048-25F2CD20099-10D90E1372CD39BFFFF0101A0000100000042000000010221408105F17F2CD353215038E0002C117F2CD17F000020000022700000000221, WHY I LOVE MY DOCTOR by Lee Eric Shackleford 2008 Lee Shackleford PO Box 55704 Birmingham 35255 Lee@gulliver.cc http://gulliver.cc Dramatist Guild Member #76880 This script is for the use of cast and crew only. Unauthorized reproduction of this script is a violation of United States copyright law. Permission for performance must be obtained in writing from the author at the address above. 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